A Long Walk Home - A Memoir of a muslim

Throughout my whole life, I have been given chances by Allah for so many times. Allah has given me so many chances that I can’t even believe that I’m still getting more. I feel ashamed with myself as, despite the unconditional love shown by Allah to me, I still am not the best human being, the ideal, ultimate but modest and moderate Muslim which I was supposed to be, since long time ago. I still fail to greet each calamity, hardship and sadness as a way to redeem my past mistakes and sins. I still fail to guard my lips from saying the useless, I still fail to guard my limbs my hands from committing the pointless acts and I still fail to guard my heart from feeling what is not to be felt.

Unlike those who were pure and innocent from the beginning, I have come along way to be who I am today. My life is not really something to be proud of but nonetheless it is a life so valuable and so blessful, full with love from the ultimate source.

As far as I can remember, all the incidents which happened to me were like a series of events organized perfectly to deliver the ‘hidayah’ the light that I am supposed to get. There was no other planner, who is more perfect than Allah. Being me; I sometimes feel like my whole life during my wild years was like having a bad dream we usually find hard to wake up from. The people I met along the way…they were Allah’s little characters who were put along my way to get to my destination. Some came as challenges but some left footprints and marks tattooed so deep that it was impossible to scratch them out. To these people, my prayers stay with them wherever they go.

to be continued...- The Red Umbrella :)

Lelaki Idaman Saya

Lelaki idaman saya adalah seorang lelaki yang beriman
Yang hatinya disaluti rasa takqwa kepada Allah
Yang jiwanya penuh penghayatan terhadap Islam
Yang sentiasa haus dengan ilmu
Yang sentiasa dahaga akan pahala
Yang solatnya adalah maruah dirinya
Yang tidak pernah takut untuk berkata benar
Yang tidak pernah gentar untuk melawan nafsu
Yang sentiasa bersama kumpulan orang-orang yang berjuang di jalan Allah

Lelaki idaman saya adalah lelaki yang menjaga tuturkatanya
Yang tidak bermegah dengan ilmu yang dimilikinya
Yang tidak bermegah dengan harta dunia yang dicarinya
Yang sentiasa berbuat kebajikan kerana sifatnya yang penyayang
Yang mempunyai ramai kawan dan tidak mempunyai musuh yang bersifat
jembalang

Lelaki idaman saya adalah lelaki yang menghormati ibunya
Yang sentiasa berbakti kepada kedua orang tua dan keluarga
Yang akan mendidik isteri dan anak-anak mendalami Islam
Yang mengamalkan hidup penuh kesederhanaan
Kerana dunia baginya adalah rumah sementara menuju akhirat

Lelaki idaman saya sentiasa bersedia untuk menjadi imam
Yang hidup dibawah naungan Al-Quran dan mencontohi sifat Rasulullah
Yang boleh diajak berbincang dan berbicara
Yang menjaga matanya dari berbelanja
Yang sujud penuh kesyukuran dengan rahmat Allah keatasnya

Lelaki idaman saya tidak pernah membazirkan masa
Matanya kepenatan kerana penat membaca
Suaranya lesu kerana penat mengaji dan berzikir
Tidurnya lena dengan cahaya keimanan
Bangunnya subuh penuh kecergasan
Kerana sehari lagi usianya bertambah penuh kematangan

Lelaki idaman saya sentiasa mengingati mati
Yang baginya hidup di dunia adalah ladang akhirat
Yang mana buah kehidupan itu perlu dibaja dan dijaga
Agar berputik tunas yang bakal menjadi baka yang baik
Meneruskan perjuangan Islam sebelum hari kemudian

Lelaki idaman saya adalah lelaki
Yang tidak terpesona dengan buaian dunia
Kerana dia mengimpikan syurga
Di situlah rumah idamannya
Dan dia ingin membawa saya bersama
Dialah lelaki idaman saya

Thinker Face not Poker Face

In my head i've tonnes of neurons clashing, jumping onto one another, and purposely messing up my head. I am a heavy thinker I have to say. I'd think about one simple thing till it becomes something that is too complicated to comprehend. Then i'd become tired and i'd start to dozz off to another dimension of the world.

It happens all the time and most of the time i'd come to a point where i do not know how to look at an issue. I cannot metacognate my own thinking. I do not know if i'm thinking through my conscience, emotion, vulnunerable side, history, knowledge, religion, or experience wise. I sometimes wonder if my thinking is invalid since thinking usually involves pattern. It involves patching up together the stories we've heard, the experiments which had failed or succeeded, the theory which is tested but not something which is unexpected. Therefore thinking is more like matching up old history and relating it with the one that is at present.

I think of a million things in this world. I think of a million things about one silly behaviour of my beloved one. It is like a thirst to understand thus comes the assumptions, all sorts of assumptions which in the end lead me to lalaland.

I want to know if one person is telling me that he or she is doing something on the purpose of faith, does anything which is seen as insensitive from my point of view coming out from that particular decision is also due to that decision as in faith. Or are we looking at a simple, faulty human being who is inconsistent in applying the decision successfully thus he or she mixed up his or her own behaviour with the desicion made? And in the end it looks like a messy stuff? And he or she can always use that point(faith) a a cover up with conceal his or her faults. Or is it really pure application we are talking about? What about the inconsistencies?

If the application is right, why would one become someone else for one and instantly becomes another person for a another just as he or she wishes. That's bad! That's really bad and it kills me to think of this. I guess i know what is the problem here, people do not communicate and they tend to let things slip away. They let things happen just as it wishes. They do not make their thinking, decisions and purpose transparent. That is what the problem is. They simply HOPE things will get better. If that's the case, i wonder why even famous football players need to practise before any game. What's the use? They already too good in this. They should all just hope and pray without trying

I can understand the world, I can understand anything, only if it lets me..

Renungan Refleksi Masa

Masa adalah entiti yang paling penting bagi setiap manusia yang diberikan kesempatan Allah untuk diuji di dalam dunia ini. Jika tidak masa kan turun surah dalam Al-Quran Al-’Asr (The Time) secara spesifiknya menerangkan kepada kita yang kita berada di dalam kerugian melainkan manusia yang mempergunakan masa yang diberi untuk apa yang sepatutnya.

Allah menjadikan siang dan malam dengan fungsi tersendiri. Siang dijadikan untuk mencari rezeki dan malam untuk istirehat dan untuk beramal kepada Allah tuhan pencipta seluruh alam.

Di dalam kitab Allah Quran, antara golongan yang seringkali disebut-sebut adalah golongan manusia yang berfikir di mana merujuk kepada tentang kaum yang berfikir dan mengambil pelajaran atas setiap kejadian yang tercerita di dalam kalam Allah. Kaum yang berfikir pula disini dimaksudkan bukan sahaja mereka yang mengambil peringatan tetapi mereka yang mencari ilmu, dan disebabkan ilmu itu dicari, ini mendorong mereka mengkaji dan mentafsir secara mendalam ilmu tersebut dan lahirlah kaum yang berfikir.

Islam menggariskan kepentingan mencari ilmu secara total terutamanya dari kaedah membaca. Ayat yang pertama diturunkan kepada Nabi Allah Muhammad s.a.w iaitu Al-Alaq (Read!) juga bermaksud Bacalah. Ini secara direct memberi panduan dan arahan kepada kita bahawa ilmu adalah aspek yang sangat penting. Tanpa pencarian ilmu, kita akan berada pada tahap yang sama kerana tidak mempunyai stimuli bagi menjana pemikiran. Walaupun ilmu boleh didapati dengan pelbagai cara, seperti berguru, ke kelas agama dan lain-lain, pengetahuan asas umat islam bagi menjamin pencarian ilmu yang berterusan adalah membaca. Namun disini kebolehan membaca tidak akan berguna seandainya kita tidak membaca. Di sini jelas mengapa kita harus membaca.

HUBUNGKAIT

Apabila menjejak kaki ke dalam alam pekerjaan kita tidak seharusnya tertipu dengan beban tugas dan masa yang harus diperuntukan untuk bekerja. Sememangnya mencari rezeki yang halal adalah fitrah manusia tetapi, Allah terlebih dahulu menetapkan pembahagian masa untuk kita jalani agar tidak tersasar sungguhpun kadangkan mungkin kelihatan seakan-akan tidak tersasar dan lebih kepada berusaha keras untuk menjamin kesejahteraan masa hadapan. Ada masa depankah kita?Siapa yang menjamin kita akan hidup lagi pada tahun hadapan?

Disinilah fungsi membaca, mencari ilmu agama yang sememangnya dituntut harus terus didokongi oleh kita. Tidak cukup dengan hanya sekali sekala mendengan ceramah di masjid, jiwa kita harus di hiasi dengan bahan bacaan yang betul bagi menjana pemikiran yang mantap sekaligus melonjat iman seperti kaum yang berfikir. Kita tidak harus memberikan alasan bahawa kita tidak mempunyai masa untuk membaca kerana sesungguhnya masa yang diberikan adalah sama sahaja kepada setiap orang – 24jam.sekarang terpulanglah kepada kita untuk mengisinya sebijak-bijaknya.

Sebagai contoh; seorang sahabat saya bekerja di sebuah syarikat swasta yang sangat kompetitif sehinggakan dia bekerja pada hari Sabtu dan Ahad. Tapi pada suatu hari, terdetik di hati beliau, ’Ya Allah kalau aku mati, amalan kerja aku ni masuk dalam kubur ke?”. Lalu beliau mengambil keputusan untuk mendaftar di kelas secara formal untuk belajar agama pada hari Sabtu dan Ahad untuk mendapatkan kehidupan yang seimbang. Itu tidak termasuk lagi bahan bacaan ilmiahnya yang banyak bagi memantapkan pemahaman dan juga untuk menjana pemikirannya.

Namun sektor pekerjaan boleh membandingkan kerelevanan kerja. Contohnya seandainya kita bertugas sebagai seorang ustazah atau ustaz, tiada salahnya bekerja lebih masa kerana pekerjaan itu sendiri memberi pahala yang tiada tolok bandingnya di mana seandainya kita meninggal, ilmu yang dimanfaatkan oleh pelajar yang menerima ajaran anda masih lagi dapat memberi pahala kepada kita.

Disini saya ingin mengingatkan diri sendiri dan sesiapa yang terbaca entry ni, bacalah, rajinkanlah diri kita untuk membaca kerana tiada yang lebih cantik dari otak yang penuh berisi ilmu. Zaman kebangkitan Islam dulu pon terjadi kerana mantapnya ilmu pengetahuan dan lahirlah cendekiawan-cendekiawan yang tiada tolok bandingnya. Weird enough mereka yang menguasai ilmuyang tak terbilang banyaknya juga diberi 24jam oleh Allah.

Kadangkala Allah telah memberi peluang, memberi kelebihan tidak kira dari segi masa, harta dan kesempatan namun kita leka dan akhirnya bila sudah terlambat barulah teringat nak ambil tindakan. Inilah ujian Allah. Berlainan antara satu sama lain.

Cari lah ilmu, BACALAH- ia satu fitrah dan bukan hobi yang boleh dipilih-pilih suka atau tidak, beramallah semampunya, bahagilah masa sebijaknya..kerja lah segila-gilanya seandai kau mencari dunia.

p/s: dan aku tidak mahu menjadi sebahagian daripada manusia yang disebut-sebut dalam Alquran, mintak mahu diberi peluang kedua hidup di bumi, untuk beramal.

Dan yang baik dari Allah, yang kurang itu dari saya sendiri. Amin.

Feeling is Believing

Today i had my first free-Saturday morning after so many months of extra classes for my students. As much as i like the feeling of stress free morning-bed curling activity, i felt very much worried about my students in 5W. I thought things that i could have taught them in the routined 2 hours and i thought of their lost faces whenever i mentioned any a-bit advanced English words.

SPM is only about two weeks away and there is still so much to be done by me. I do not know why these students find it so hard to work something on their own but to be fully spoon fed or asked by me. Maybe they are too used to this. To be told, to be scolded and to be fully dependent on teachers in which i had not been taught to be familiarized with when i was in school.

Back in schooldays it was all about doing things that i felt was right. It was all about wanting to achieve my dreams, ON MY OWN.Extra class was a rare case and teachers who conducted extra classes even if it was just once were seen as someone who is very hardworking but guess what that makes me since i've conducted almost 5 extra classes per week including Friday and Saturday each week. It's not that i like or i'm addicted to teaching, NO but i have to help these people. And the passing percentage from previous year was too sad to be mentioned..around 35% kot? So i guess it is kind of my responsibility to bring a new light for these people here.I need to make them fall in love with this language and see the beauty of it.

Out of my hectic and depressing life, dealing with super weak students, i found a group of students falling head over heals with English. Their eyes sparkle and shine brightly whenever i taught them about any new tricks in continous writing. Their thrist for the beautiful words and writing styles in English are so apparent as they'd instantly scribbled down anything i said about essay writing. I'm sure it was not about exam only. They cheered and laughed hard when i wrote an essay which is full of surprises and has a tragic but funny ending as an example for an essay which should be ended with "...i wish i had never said those words".

Among them i found Norita the storyteller, a shy student with hidden talents and extraordinary creativity. Her essay is never boring and always surprises me that i become too impressed with her drastic improvement that i had to stop myself from praising her.

Being a teacher is weird. Sometimes you'd feel like quitting sometimes you feel like it's the best profession on earth. The truth is..there is nothing better and more fulfilling than to have a job which is inspiring and the one that gives you the chance to touch other souls like they've touched yours.

Keep believing. Keep having faith in whatever you do.

Alhamdulillah

NEW SHAWL ONLINE SHOP

Hey people i recently set up an online store with a friend out of curiousity hihi

For a start I'm selling shawls..nice one, the type that i'd wear at affordable price!

Here is the address, do visit my shop okay!see yaaa



http://notallcolourful.blogspot.com/

The Girl At the Window Saw a Thief

The girl at the window saw a thief;
When the sun set
When the sun peeped out from bed
She watched him strolled down the street
She watched him walked on her street
She watched him ate his lunch
She watched him stole her lunch too

The girl at the window saw a thief,
When the sun soared high
When the sun wore the invisible cloak
She watched him drove a stolen car
She watched him piled up the stolen goods

The thief knew she was watching
But he kept on working
Indecisively unsure of his luck

A few days later

The girl at the window saw no thief
When there were only moon and stars
When there were only roads he walked on
When there were only street lights he left burning

There was no sign of any thief
But she thought she saw him stealing again
Only this time it was her heart that he’d stolen.

Frida misses her El tigre <3

I Miss the ol days

I hate living around Malay-only surrounding. They gossip too much that my ears bleed.
And i can't count how many times i heard the same gossip all over again.
And i can't count how many times they spread rumours about my friends and myself (too)!
I wonder if they had any brain to just check and verify the news before doing the 'sharing is caring' activity.
I'm thinking that this is a very very very shallow and unintellectual place to develop myself.

I hope to have some friends to talk about stuff, things that i like, news that heard on TV, our nation that i care about, the outside world..

I think i miss IPBA and Macquarie Uni life :(

Wrong Turn or Wrong Thinking

I wonder if i'm in the right lane,
i wonder if teaching is really for me,
maybe it is...but i wonder why i feel like the school is the silliest, shallowest place i can be...
it's like a show

i am barely breathing
i am barely moving
i am only watching

it's supposed to be the place where intelects are made
why does it feel like a circus where clowns are made

p/s: i have had enough of gossip mongers and silly sensational stories~ who talks to who's husband, who's wife calls which teacher,which teacher is jealous of who...come on!where to run?

rarity

i never thought i'd end up feeling this way,
never in a million years,
not once, now that i do i dont even know what should i do

Kalopopi - the food paradise

In our lives we'd definitely want to dine at this Kolopopi fancy restaurant. This restaurant is like an ultimate destination for those who own a stomach. However Kolopopi restaurant holds a strict rule about the customer. They need to come in pairs and the price for even a simple meal can actually make you cry endlessly for two years in a row. But each year people never give up to be in the line to enter this exclusive restaurant for they learn from the anchestors and only Kalopopi restaurant would be able to unleaashed the thirst and long hunger from our stomach. A stomach which has never dined in there is a sad pitiful stomach.

The waiting process for our names to be finally called by the restaurant owner is unimaginable. Not only does the line is long, accidents always happen during the wait which makes waiting becomes a somewhat lethal process. In order to ease the pain of waiting, some choose to dine in other restaurants which are as well expensive (but of course NOTHING beats Kalopopi), some wander around the city and do some shopping and some even go somewhere which is even further than that city itself. But these people sometimes never come back in their queue for they have unconsciously emptied their pocket during the supposed-to-be-window-shopping plan.

However some do wait. They wait patiently outside the restaurant. They insist on not spending their money on any other stuff and refuse to ease the pain of waiting by doing something else as they know the evil power that the city has in smashing their dreams to the ground. They have heard too many stories of how a young couple who was supposed to be the next one to be called into the food paradise, being kicked out of the line as they have finished up their money around the city buying unimportant stuff.

For the people who are watching, deep inside they know that these people (those who wait)are definitely the ones who will survive the wait and finally enter Kalopopi. But they, themselves can't imagine the pain, and boredom these people are secretly suffering from.

Some of these loyal 'queuer' who are waiting, actually hope to take a break and wander around the city for a while before continuing their queue but most of them are stopped by their ambitious partner who refuses to let any go chances of letting off the dream of unleashing the hunger away. Anyhow actually no one knows how good the food is in Kalopopi restaurant for those who went in never come back. Wouldn't you want to walk around and enjoy the city first before entering Kalopopi?

I'd dine in a cheap restautant outside Kalopopi, i'd wonder around the city first, i'd buy what i want. I dont mind queuing up again because...i think it is not Kalopopi that makes your stomach full, it is the journey, it is the sight you see, the experience you gain and watch before you enter Kalopopi that makes your stomach full. What is 'delicious' when you are too hungry to even realize what you are eating.

p/s: poetic mood. guess the hidden meaning.

Perhaps perhaps Perhaps

i read something valueble from Anya's website
"treat yourself before everyone else"

and i will do it baby~

p/s:i miss Faa!:(

Pian Mengganas!

My student, Pian came to school and turned 5B into a beautiful garden yesterday. When I look at the pictures below i realize how pitiful and amateur we were without Pian hahaha. So, the picture says it all. And yes, there's actually more, 5 sarang burung (bird's nest) hanging along the corridor of our class. Hail Pian~Pian Mengganazz!

p/s: i want to learn how to moonwalk!

Of Pencuri Pokok and BubbleGum

I’m pissed off with some uncivilized people at school. This is the second time after yesterday. Somebody happened to cabut (pull off) our pokok which my students and I already worked hard for 2 days in a row (Friday and Saturday). We even went to Lubuk Sembil@ang (a waterfall) to gather some batu sungai and soil (we had fun sinking our happy feet in there!) just to beautify our class so that it is not only popular for being the naughtiest class but also to change it into something classier - ‘naughty but pretty’(it rhymes!). Why, why, why? I wonder who would do such thing. I mean, yes the plants brought to school were beautiful and colourful…but..huh cant type no more.

Lubuk Sembil@ng

Oh my dreams to have my own BubleGum (Cik Nu says that I need to have a more personal name for my car) is about to be shattered because there’s only a tiny bit of chances that N@za will be bringing in M3 by this year. Having the car next year would mean that I will be wasting one year reduction of the tax price. And what if I want to go out of the island, maybe lets say end of next year (example ONLY), then I’ll have to bear the high tax payment. Sheesh, tough decision! The thing is I don’t really like other cars but I need to get a car by this year, because I want to get the Kelis@ back to my hometown so that I can drive at home and not just confine myself in the house just because I can’t drive manual car.

Plus, it’s my mom’s car and my little sister might want to use it sometime so I guess buying a car for my own use is not only relevant but the right thing to do. Yes i know you might want to ask, Why these cars and why not M@laysi@n car? Well, it's simply because i'm in L@ngkawi therefore i want to take advantage of the affordable price for the 'toys' here. Buying national cars here, ironically is quite expensive since it is around a few k's cheaper ONLY than the price outside as compared to 30K and above for imported cars.

Imagine this EVO 10 is sold at 154k when the real price is 330K++ too good to be true?No it's true! 154K is like buying Honda Accord in Peninsular Malaysia~phew

Ok back to my strory, another thing is that N@za can’t predict the price of the new m3 in L@ngkawi because they haven’t got any news about it. See another blurry answer!~

This is sadddddddd .Very sad. Love is cruel. I don’t have any choice don’t I? If Lancer is of smaller size I might consider it as the second choice, but it’s BIG, HUGE, and…just Big.. excuses excuses.. nah because I just want the new m3 that’s all. My friend told me something like ‘oh maybe there’s a bigger plan for you’ hehe I said ‘yeah. Not buying any maybe!’ Maybe I should wait. Wait and see and just continue my daily driving activity as usual. I just loooooovvvveeee driving! :)

p/s: Bubble GUM!!!!!!!!!!

Heaven on Earth - Chen@ng Beach!

A bee isn't a bee, no?

As I concur that my slice of William Shakespeare’s poetic mind, Romeo and Juliet’s dreamy world is swaying away as I grew older, a part of myself still wants to remain the same person who I thought I was. But it seems that the paint that I’m having is not the same with the wall that I should be painting on. I trembled and I panicked in colouring this wall. I sometimes got lost and forgot the colours that I should use.

At times, I found myself hoping that the walls were of different base and motive which is definitely out of question. I wonder if I’m doing something absurd or am I being diplomatic or am I being an adult. I wonder if what I am doing is exchanging a pair of old slippers with a pair of Cinderella glass shoes or am I trying to force a cat to grow a horn.

Second guessing is never good, but I’m doing that. *thinking!
P/s: Watched Transformers and I didn’t know it was THAT good. ENTHRALLED. I want my own Bumblebee! Can’t wait to have a Beeeeeee. My lovely lovely lovely Bee